After The Storm

You came into my life like a hurricane, stirring things inside me and making my head spin. Thoughts of you flooded my mind until I drowned beneath the waves that spelled out your name. What was left when you’d finally gone was only debri. I’m still picking up the pieces of my broken heart.

You entered my world like a tornado. You were fast and strong, whirling violently and tossing me around. I trusted you, so I forsook my shelter and stayed above ground. With kind words of encouragement, you battered against my windows and brought the trees down around me. All that remained after you’d gone was the evidence that you’d been there. I stood in your wake and watched you go.

You swooped into my life like a blizzard, with soft flurries that weighed me down and changed the way I viewed the world. You iced over my hopes and dreams with promises of a winter paradise and warm cocoa. I stood outside, tongue to the sky, looking to catch a flake or two, before freezing over completely. I still wait, in your absence, for the spring to help me thaw.

You rocked my world like an earthquake, shaking the foundations and tearing down my walls. I bared my soul to you, and instead you split it in two. My pre-existing fractures grew deeper by your subtle movements. The glasses shattered, and all my finery was laid to waste. I may never trust you again.

And after you’ve gone, what’s left of me is bare. I have nothing to show from my time spent with you. A single vision remains; a picture that’s been weathered and worn, and a memory that only I hold dear. You’ve forgotten me already, like all your other lovers. But as is true with every great storm, I could never, ever forget the likes of you.

Advertisements

Like a Band-Aid

We could have been something, you and I. We were the perfect blend of light and dark, uninhibited and raw. We passionately offered tiny pieces of our lives and I wanted to share all of mine with you. It felt so good in your arms. My name felt right on your lips. I came alive to your touch; fingers trailing down my spine, caressing my cheek, your gaze sinking into mine…

It’s been longer for me than it has for you – since I was last loved, wanted, or cherished. I kept hoping you’d be the one I’d support, and I, in turn, could lean on you. I was only still learning your secrets, and I couldn’t wait to turn the page again.

But you knew all of mine. You had all the answers. Without meaning to, I asked you choose for me, and you saw fit to let me go. You picked honesty over lies, and I understood no explanation would be given. Your silence I deserved. Your truth I deserved, but not your integrity. You left the memories sitting in my open palms while they waited for more. You left me feeling like a fool.

It came all at once, like a band-aid. The sharp pain of rejection and the taste again of freedom. The time was right, and against my preconceived notions, I think I already knew better. We had too much at stake. We never would have lasted, you and I. Like two dragons locked in a spiral, we would have fallen together until one of us decided to let go.

I told you in less words that it had to be you.

Something Other Than You

I’m all wrapped up in a twisted game of fate and “keep it to yourself.” I can remember your smile and the way it lit up the room, filling the corners where the smoke collected. Trouble rested neatly on your brow, shadowing the thoughts you’d never share aloud. Not that I blame you; I am but a stranger, gently prodding for the key to unlock your mysteries.

But I’m all caught up in your arms, your sheets, and the telephone wires humming lazily outside your window. The methodic rhythm of your breath slows to a steady stream, widening and winding through the valley. I’d need a raft just to get across. You’re safe there, for now, balanced carefully on the edge. I’m simply too far to be reached, with your fingers laced tightly behind your spine.

And so I am trapped in the weight of your gaze and the pressure of the moment. The current moves me, carrying me away when all I asked for was a nudge. Validation seems unreasonable. Now I can’t decide what’s right and what’s wrong. Did I move forward, or have you taken a step back? You laugh and I smile. You breathe and I choke. The air thickens and swells; does no one feel it but me?

I’m engulfed in a spaced called the “unknown.” With colored strands of light and dark, this woven blanket tunnels my vision and suffocates my mind. The clouds keep changing so the weather won’t stay still. I ask questions and find no answers. This is a bitter pill I’m being forced to swallow.

But I know this game all too well. You give and take, and I’ll wait patiently for the tide to ebb. Every movement of the earth rocks beneath my feet. A breeze moves across the prairie and I wonder if you’re thinking of me. So I’ll give, and you’ll take once again. The cycle repeats until at last I step away. All I hear is white noise as I slowly turn the dial. An attention once rapt focuses on something different. It narrows my sights and tunes me out, until finally, I am wrapped up in something other than you.

The Cadet

If I could pick one thing I’d want you to know, it would be of my incredible strength. I carry the weight of my world and am unburdened by it. The pressure is no stranger to me. It swells inside, tumultuous and raw, seeping slowly from my pores. Keeping it together is how I get my kicks.

It comes from the feeling of being lost. I kept it all in, having nowhere to turn, and it solidified inside me. It became my purpose, and so I raised my head a little higher. Shoulders squared, I’ll keep moving forward.

I show no weakness – soldiers never do. We march onward with our backs straight and our throats closed. You’ll bear no witness to my tears. And my scars; I wear them proudly. They make me who I am.

But if I could tell you one thing, it would be of my steel backbone. I’d try to convey that I’m near impossible to break. My fortitude is unshakable. Ready your bows and find your marks; I’ll be here, primed and ready. I couldn’t possibly yield. To give in would mean my demise, and I love life too much for that.

I am not immobile. I can be moved. My lips curve a smile as the sun touches my skin. I still tingle when the waves rush past my ankles and my feet slip deeper into the sand. Your smile makes me weak at the knees and to see you cry brings me to tears.

I can be strong for both of us. I’ll lend a hand to anyone who needs my courage. I am a mercenary and my sword is for hire. Worry not about me, kind soul, I can lick my own wounds and piece myself back together.

Because if there’s one thing you should know, it would be that I can handle anything. A world of hardship is never too much for me. I rise above it all and blaze a trail for the next victory. There are no purples hearts, badges or honors. I wouldn’t want them anyway.

All I desire is a connection. I yearn for a root to anchor me and be called my home. Even a lone warrior needs a place to rest her head. And yet, by reaching out for your hand, I leave myself vulnerable to the most devious of plans. Cradled carefully inside, under a tight lock and key, is the hope that one day I can lay down my arms.

And that maybe I can fall down into yours.

I Belong Here

FREE WRITE

This is where I belong. Above blades of emeralds, crisp and cool, I lay at the bottom of the world, thinking solely of you. I’ve been here forever, staring into infinity and asking the question why over, and over, and over again.

The stars have been blinking for hours and when I looked, I found them in your eyes. Your hands were silk. Through your fingers slipped the sands of time and so here I lay, counting the pieces left behind.

But this is where I belong. Buried to my knees in warm grains, watching the waves foam. We’re on the edge of the something so grand there is little room for error. I’ve traced the ripples in your eyes, and I know what song you sing; a whispered hymn, echoing politely in the darkness.

This is my home – the vast open space – the void, tucked away secretly. I belong to the canopies, balanced on the branches. It’s been only me. They could never understand the strength of it all. From under here, I’ve watched the world fall. But you… you are my eagle, soaring proud and free.

It’s a pity, really, that it’s taken me so long. I’ve wandered across the sky, muttering frozen clichés and holding myself for comfort. It has no end, because there was never a beginning. Wrapped together in a coating so clear I can finally see through the fog: It’s been only me, sitting on blades of emerald crisp and cool. I’ve been here forever, thinking solely of you.

This

I believe in this.
This…
Intangible thing.
It sweeps you off your feet
And carries you away.

This…
This condition.
This clouded perception,
Encased in shards of light.

I believe in this.
This…
Calm.
This surrender.
This ocean of silence.

This…
This direction.
This one-step-at-a-time.
Follow.

Follow,
Follow.

I believe in this.
This…
Inferno.
This combustion.
This.
Already entombed under six feet of ash.

I believe in this.
This…
Vulnerability.
This barren space.
This wasteland.
I give it to you.

I believe in this.
This…
Foundation.
This solidified movement.
Please,
Come and set me free.

This…
This exhilaration.
This breeze.
Such a gentle touch
Can you feel it?

I believe in this.
This…
Shadow.
This haunting.
This wretched decay.

This…
This filth.
Cleanse your hands;
This is best left behind.

I believe in this.
This…
Elixir.
This substance.
Allow us just a sample;
A taste is all you’ll need.

This…
This harmony.
This song.
This…
Delicately crafted notation.

Dance!
Dance for me and cry.
Promise to live,
And understand that you’ll die.

I believe in this.
This…
Intangible thing.
This emotion.
This awakening perception.

This…
This inevitability.
This apprehension.
This…

This I believe in.